Night of the Living Fangirls
by Agent HUNK
Summary: Its every male character's nightmare come true: Fangirls. Sasuke, Kakashi, and several other characters from other animes find themselves trapped in a cabin surrounded by fangirls. Can they find a way out before the fangirls find a way in? COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to "Night of the Living Fangirls." I am your host, Agent HUNK. This story is a twisted tale of what happens when the most popular male anime characters are trapped by hordes of adoring and obsessive fans.

Now before we get started, lets get a few things straight...

**CHARACTERS:**

Sasuke, Gaara, Itachi, and Kakashi from Naruto.

Alucard and Schrodinger from Hellsing.

Ichigo, Renji, and Byakuya from Bleach.

They will be the first group of "survivors" so to speak. Other people may show up, both anime characters and guest authors, if the situation permits.

**THE SETTING:**

The story takes place in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night. The survivors will find themselves in an abandoned cabin. We'll work on it from there...

**THE CABIN:**

The "survivors" shall take refuge in a 2-story cabin the middle of the woods.

First floor: Kitchen, living room, dining room, bathroom, stairs.

Second floor: 2 bedrooms, hallway, bathroom.

Basement: Its a basement...

**FANGIRLS:**

The fangirls are exactly that: Fangirls. They're trying to catch the guys and glomp them to death. If a fan reviews a lot and shows enough potention, and they're a girl, I might put them in as a Fangirl. Guys... well... I dunno, maybe you'll attempt a rescue mission or something...

**NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD:**

If you haven't noticed already, this is a rip-off of the old black-and-white zombie flick "Night of the Living Dead." Only instead of bloodthirsty zombies it has lovehungry fangirls...

**LETS GET THIS FIC STARTED!!!!!!**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Hellsing, Bleach, Night of the Living Dead, or any other anime/movie/game/comic/book that may or may not be mentioned in this story. I OWN NOTHING. So please don't sue me...

* * *

Sasuke's worst dreams had come true. They were everywhere. _Everywhere._ They'd already gotten Naruto. His screams of terror still echoed in his ears. Sasuke didn't dare stop running through the woods, not even to catch his breath. Even in the darkness, he could see them. Their eyes glowing red, their arms outstretched, and goofy grins plastered on their faces. **Fangirls**. The one thing every male anime character feared the most. And now they were everywhere.

As Sasuke continued his mad dash through the woods, he could hear hurried footsteps behind him. Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands wrap around his left arm, and one of the monsters jumped out from a bush. "SASUKE-KUN!!!!!" she screamed insanely.

Sasuke stared into horror at her, terrified by her eyes whiched glowed red with undying obsession. He suddenly felt another pair of hands wrap around his right arm, and before he knew it he was being swarmed by them. "NOOOO!!!!!!!" he screamed, trying to break free from their grip. But it was no use. They had him right where they wanted him, and there was no escape.

"LEAF WHIRLWIND!!!" the familiar voice of Rock Lee screamed. Out of the darkness came a swirling mass of green-clad limbs, and instantly the fangirls went flying. Sasuke, free from their grip, staggered away in shock. "RUN!!!" Lee yelled as he tried to catch his breath. He'd obviously been fighting for survival as well. "GO WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!" he yelled as the fangirls turned their attention towards him.

Sasuke didn't have to be told twice. He started to sprint as fast as his legs could carry him, running through the darkness and attempting to block out Lee's cries of terror as he was overwhelmed.

---

The moment he entered a clearing in the woods, Sasuke collapsed to the ground in a crumpled heap. "Can't... go... on..." he panted. "No... escape..."

Something suddenly caught his attention. In the middle of the clearing, which was larger than he'd thought at first, was a cabin. It was 2 stories tall, and there was light shining out of a few windows on the bottom floor. Summoning the last of his strength, Sasuke climbed to his feet and staggered towards the building. But just as he neared it, he heard the familiar cry of "SASUKE-KUN!!!!!"

He didn't even have to look behind him to know that there was a crowd of fangirls emerging from the woods. Pushing his body to the limit, Sasuke burst into a quick sprint. But as he came within feet of the door, his knees finally gave out. He fell to the ground and found himself unable to get up. As the fangirls closed in, he found himself reaching for the door, trying in vain to grab the handle. But it was barely out of his reach. "Is this the end?" he sighed weakly as the fangirls converged around him, his hand still reaching for the door but grabbing nothing but air.

But just as he felt their hands closing in on him, the door flew open, and Sasuke felt somebody reach out and take his hands. The next thing he knew, he was dragged inside and the door slammed shut behind him. "Awwwww..." all of the fangirls groaned sadly as their prey barely escaped from their grasp.

---

"That was close..." Kakashi Hatake looked down at his student, whom he'd just saved from certain death.

"Kakashi?" Sasuke could barely summon the strength to speak.

"I assume that Naruto didn't make it..." Kakashi asked grimly. When Sasuke didn't reply, he sighed. "I see..."

"Oh great, another ninja..." an unfamiliar voice grumbled.

"Huh?" Sasuke realized that he and Kakashi were not the only people in the room. Three men dressed in black robes and holding samurai swords of varying shapes and sizes were standing in the corner of the room glaring at him. A man in a red outfit and a broad rimmed hat was sitting at a table, polishing a freakishly huge silver handgun. A blonde teenager in short shorts with cat ears was writing something that Sasuke assumed was his Will. "Who are these people?" Sasuke growled.

"Ichigo, Renji, and Byakuya..." Kakashi pointed at the three black-robed men. "Alucard..." he pointed at the man in red, and then the cat-boy, "Schrodinger..."

"Anybody else?" Sasuke asked in an annoyed tone. He didn't like the idea of being forced to hide from fangirls with a bunch of strangers.

"Nobody important..." Kakashi shrugged. "There are a couple of people upstairs, but they don't really matter..."

"Who are they?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Kakashi was avoiding the subject.

"Hmph..." Kakashi sighed. "Gaara of the Sand... And your brother, Itachi..."

"ITACHI?!" Sasuke jumped to his feet. "I'LL KILL HIM!!! I'LL-" Sasuke's body finally gave out, and he fell to the floor unsconscious.

Dead silence.

"Even better. Another _crazy_ ninja..." the black-robed man with orange hair grumbled.

* * *

And so the first chapter comes to a close. Hate it? Love it? REVIEW IT!!! Please, review this story and tell me what you think! Give suggestions, request characters, or flame me if you feel like it... Just be nice and review, please! 


	2. Chapter 2

It is time for another chapter! It seems that this story was quite the good idea, and plenty of people love it! Now, what twists and turns can this tale take now?

As of now, Sasuke is out cold, Gaara and Itachi are upstairs, and everyone else is downstairs... Clear? Clear. Okay, lets go...

* * *

Upstairs

"This cannot be good..." Gaara watched out an open window as the number of fangirls outside grew larger and larger. "Where do they all keep coming from?"

"I've seen more before..." Itachi commented. "Of course, I've seen a lot of things..."

"And I don't care about them," Gaara replied. "Right now, we've got to figure out some way to escape..."

"There's no escaping..." Itachi explained. "They will follow us everywhere, never stop hunting us, and they won't give up until they've glomped the life out of us..."

"You speak as though you've had experience on this subject..." Gaara arched an eyebrow.

"As previously stated, I've seen a lot of things..." Itachi repeated his earlier statement.

"Hm..." Gaara decided to end the conversation right there for two reasons. One: He hated talking to Itachi. Two: A ladder suddenly slammed up against the window. "What the?" Gaara looked at the ladder.

"GAARA!!!" a fangirl suddenly poked her head through the window.

"Sorry, wrong window!" Gaara yelled as he kicked her in the face, sending the fangirl and the ladder plummeting to the ground on top of the fangirls outside. "Stupid fangirls..." he growled, slamming the window shut.

Downstairs

Meanwhile, everyone else was sitting at a table in the dim-lit dinning room, with only an old oil lamp to give them light. Well, almost everyone else...

"Where'd those ninjas get off to?" Ichigo grumbled..

"What's it matter, Kurosaki?" Renji replied..

"Because I don't want them escaping without us, Renji..." he growled. "And if the fangirls get in, we can use them as human meatshields..."

"Human meatshields?" Renji arched an eyebrow. "I though you were all about honor and being nice, Kurosaki..."

"Hey, I may be a nice guy, but I don't feel like getting mauled to death by crazy teenaged girls!" he retorted

"Vell, ven you put it zat vay..." Schrodinger smirked, and then snapped back to his senses. "And I thought your name vas Ichigo, not Kurosaki..."

"My last name is Kurosaki..." Ichigo grumbled. "And what's with the stupid uniform?"

"I'm in ze Hitler's Youth..." Schrodinger shrugged.

"Hey, neo-Nazi..." Alucard suddenly spoke up.

"Actually, I'm an _original_ Nazi... but go on..." Schrodinger replied.

"Why don't you teleport out of here and go get some help?" Alucard suggested.

"Good idea!" Schrodinger grinned. In an instant, he was gone.

"Where'd he go?" Ichigo stared in shock at the empty chair.

"To get help. Wheren't you paying attention?" Renji rolled his eyes.

"Hey!" Ichigo snarled. "Don't roll your eyes at me!"

Suddenly, Schrodinger returned to the room with a scream and fell on the floor, twitching and sobbing. "ZE FANGIRLS!!!" he sobbed, shell-shocked be his experience. "ZEY ARE EVERYWHERE!!!" His clothes were shredded, his face was covered in lipstick, and a severed fangirl arm was hanging off of his leg.

"I see you brought us a gift..." Alucard plucked the arm off of the traumatized catboy. It suddenly sprang to life, trying to grab Alucard's face and struggling to break free of his grasp. Alucard threw it on the ground, whipped out his pistols, and blew the ever-loving crap out of the fangirl's arm before it could jump up and grope him or something. "Your gift sucked..."

The Basement

Downstairs, Kakashi was keeping guard over his sleeping student. Sasuke's snoring was driving him _insane_. "There's got to be something I can do to take my mind off his snoring..." he grumbled. "Besides killing myself, of course..."

Kakashi suddenly had the bright idea to read one of his Icha Icha books. He'd been able to ignore entire _battles_ before while reading. He reached into his pocket to get the book, but to his horror he discovered that it wasn't there. "My book?" Kakashi patted all of his pockets. "My book?!" he looked around the room, hoping he'd dropped it. He suddenly remembered where he'd had it last.

Outside.

Kakashi snapped. "MY BOOOOOOK!!!!!" he screamed, running upstairs.

Downstairs

"What the?!" Everybody jumped when Kakashi suddenly barged into the room.

"What's going on?" Alucard looked at the ninja in confusion.

"MY BOOOOOK!!!!!" Kakashi raced towards the front door.

"NEIN!!!" Schrodinger jumped up and grabbed him by the leg just as he was about to reach the door. He dragged him to the ground, grabbed him by the face, and started to shake his head. "ITS NOT WORTH IT, MAN!!! IT IST SUICIDE!!!"

"I DON'T CARE!!!" Kakashi clawed at the door while trying to break free from his grasp. "MY BOOK IS OUT THERE!!!"

"You mean this book?" somebody suddenly asked.

Kakashi looked over his shoulder and saw Byakuya leaning against a window, holding up his book and waving it around slowly. "Uh..." Kakashi calmly got up and walked over to him. "Yeah... that's my book..."

"Here you go..." Byakuya held out his hand. But just as Kakashi was about to take his book back...

THE FANGIRLS BROKE THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!

"WHAT THE?!" Byakuya yelled in shock as they reached through and grabbed him.

"CAPTAIN KUCHIKI!!!" Renji yelled, running to his superior's aid.

"NO!!!" Ichigo grabbed Renji and held him back. "THEY'LL GET YOU, TOO!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" Byakuya yelled as he was dragged through the window. "NOOO!!! GET OFF ME!!!" his screams of terror echoed from outside. "WATCH THE HAIR!!! DON'T TOUCH THE HAIR!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! NNOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!" his voice trailed off. Kakashi and Schrodinger both grabbed a china cabinet and pushed it up against the window in attempt to block out the fangirls and the screaming. It bucked and banged a few times as the fangirls tried to break through, but eventually they gave up. Finally, Byakuya's screams faded away entirely.

"CAPTAIN KUCHIKI, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Renji fell to his knees and cried. He sobbed uncontrollably, crushed by the sudden demise of his superior officer.

"At least he died a painless... er... a relatively painless... um..." Ichigo tried to comfort Renji, but he couldn't think of anything nice to say. Finally, he just shrugged and said "Okay screw it, he died a slow and agonizing death..."

This only made Renji sob harder. But suddenly, Renji stopped crying and jumped to his feet. "Hey wait, I just got promoted! AWSOME!!!"

"Yeah..." Ichigo nodded nervously. "Awsome..."

"OH MY GOSH, HE STILL HAS MY BOOK!!!" Kakashi suddenly blurted out. He dove for the china cabinet, but Alucard jumped up and pistol whipped him.

"Somebody drag him downstairs..." Alucard growled.

"Jawohl!" Schrodinger saluted, grabbing the semi-dead shinobi and dragging him down into the basement.

"Now lets think of a plan..." Alucard scratched his chin. "Any ideas?"

* * *

Poor Byakuya... His perfect hair was supposed to protect him, but instead it led to his demise. Poor, poor Byakuya...

REVIEW, PLEASE!!! Remember, people who review might show up as guest authors!


	3. Chapter 3

People love reading this story, and I love writing it! Everybody wins!

As always, the Cabin is divided into 4 areas. Upstairs, Downstairs, Basement, and Outside.

* * *

Basement

"Ugh..." Sasuke sat up, rubbing his head. "What did I miss?" he asked groggily.

"A lot," Schrodinger leaned down and got face-to-face with him.

"Huh?" Sasuke crawled backwards. "Who are you?"

"Schrodinger!" the catboy replied.

"Hm. Whatever..." Sasuke didn't care. He suddenly noticed that Kakashi was out cold on the floor next to him. "Kakashi?"

"He got pistol whipped with a freakishly huge gun..." Schrodinger shrugged.

"GREEN TEA!!!" Kakashi suddenly sat up.

"Kakashi? Are you alright? How do you feel?" Sasuke stared at his teacher.

Kakashi's eye(s) narrowed. "Groovy..."

Upstairs

"There's got to be something useful in this place..." Gaara grumbled as he checked the bedrooms.

"Nothing can help us. No one can save us. There's no use..." Itachi mused as he followed the Sand-nin around.

"You're starting to get on my nerves..." Gaara growled as he opened a closet.

The moment the doors opened, a fangirl bolted out and latched onto Gaara. "HI GAARA!!! I'M KARIN, AND I LUUUVVVVV YOU!!!" she squeeled as she tackled him to the floor.

"GET HER OFF ME, GET HER OFF ME PLEASE!!!" Gaara screamed, unable to push her off.

"Sorry, you're on your own..." Itachi shook his head. He casually walked out of the room and into the hallway outside. He felt no remorse as he closed the door and locked it behind him, nor did he feel remorse as the screams of Gaara echoed from inside the room.

Alucard, Ichigo, and Renji suddenly ran up the stairs into the hallway. "What's going on?!" Ichigo yelled.

"A fangirl got Gaara..." Itachi shook his head sadly as the screaming finally stopped. "There was nothing I could do..."

"Better him than me..." Alucard shrugged.

"We've got to do something. There must be a way out of here..." Renji clapped his hands together in frustration.

"That's it!" Ichigo pointed at Renji.

"What's it?" Renji arched an eyebrow.

"Clapping your hands together! We can get an Author to help us!" Ichigo grinned.

"An Author?" Alucard frowned. "I don't think so. I'm sure a few of those fangirls are Authors themselves..."

"Then we'll call one who isn't a girl!" Ichigo exclaimed.

"And how do you plan to do that?" Renji frowned.

"THE SUPER SUPER-BAD MOJAMA HOTLINE!!!" Ichigo whipped a bright red cell phone out of his robes.

"Where'd you get that?" Renji's eyes widened in shock and confusion.

"Hat 'n Clogs gave it to me..." Ichigo said, referring to the store owner who seemed to sell _everything_. "He said I can call Authors with it..."

"USE IT!!!" Renji grabbed Ichigo and shook him violently.

"Okay, okay!" Ichigo pushed him away. "But who are we going to call?"

Dead silence followed. And then in unison they all nodded and agreed on one person. "Agent HUNK."

Outside

Meanwhile, on the edge of the clearing, several Authors had already decided to come to the aid of the Survivors. There were only a handfull of them, and they were all wearing green camo, black face paint, helmets, and night vision goggles. "ALRIGHT!!!" one of them stood up in front of the others. He appeared to be in charge of the rescue mission. "WHAT WE GOT HERE IS YOUR CLASSIC FANGIRL INVASION!!!" he yelled out, sporting your classic "Old Soldier" accent. "THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WE CAN DO... CALL IN A TACTICAL AIRSTRIKE AND NAPALM THE WHOLE AREA!!!!"

"Who are you, again?" one of them suddenly asked.

"TK3997!" he replied stoutly. "And you?"

"Darthjag..." the other Author answered. "And that plan won't work..."

"AND WHY THE SAM HILL NOT?!" TK3997 yelled.

"Because we're trying to _save_ the survivors, not immoliate them..." Darthjag replied.

"I'm sure they won't mind sacrificing their lives for a worthy purpose..." TK3997 sniffed, saluting the bravery of their cause.

"Yeaaaaah, how 'bout we just go in and save them? Darthjag suggested.

"Where's the fun in that?" TK3997 cocked his head to the side.

"Achoo!" somebody suddenly sneezed.

TK3997 and Darthjag turned to see who'd sneezed. Standing in front of them were two people who were obviously fangirls, and they had twigs and leaves in their hair in order to fit in with the camoed Authors. "Who are you?" TK3997 asked.

"I'm Cathy..." one of them waved.

"And I'm EternallyJinxed!" the other exclaimed.

"FANGIRLS!!!" Darthjag held up a shotgun, but TK3997 grabbed it out of his hands.

"Nonsense! They're obviously Authors! See?" he pointed at their hair. "Camo! So they must be on our side!"

"Who made you our leader, anyway?" Darthjag shook his head.

Inside, Basement

Meanwhile, Sasuke and Schrodinger were watching in confusion as Kakashi dug through a toolbox. "What did you say you were looking for?" Sasuke arched an eyebrow.

"A chainsaw..." Kakashi replied casually. "Or a boomstick..."

"Boomstick?" Schrodinger shot Sasuke a perplexed look.

"Yes, a boomstick..." Kakashi repeated.

Outside

**_BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!_**

"What the heck is that?" Darthjag and TK3997 looked up from their battle plans. Without warning, a lime-green SUV came zooming out of the woods, nearly running over Darthjag. "SWEET GRACIOUS!!!" he screamed as he dove out of the way.

The SUV swerved through the clearing, mowing down several fangirls before coming to a stop in front of the cabin.

**_BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEP!!!!!_**

Inside, Downstairs

"What was that?" Alucard looked up. He, Itachi, Renji, and Ichigo were sitting at the table in the dining room trying to remember Agent HUNK's phone number when suddenly they heard a car horn blaring. They raced to the windows and saw an SUV parked in front of the cabin. Several people jumped out and ran towards the front door while the fangirls tried to grab them.

"Quick, get the door!" Ichigo yelled. He and Renji both jumped to their feet and ran to the front door. They threw it open, and four people barged into the room before they slammed the door shut. "Who are you guys?" Ichigo surveyed the four men standing in front of him.

"I'm Edward Elric..." answered a short guy with blonde hair, white gloves, red coat, and black shirt and pants. (Ed from Full Metal Alchemist)

"I'm Pip Bernadotte," answered a Frenchman in military garb. He had an eyepatch, a cowboy hat with a bent edge, and long red hair which was a braid. (Pip from Hellsing)

"I'm Naruto Uzamaki!" replied an orange clad blonde ninja. (Gee, I wonder where he is from...)

"And you are?" Ichigo turned to face the fourth person.

"Who am I?" the person seemed taken aback. "Why... I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!" Sure enough, it was Captain Jack Sparrow, with his pirate garb, funny hat, and eyeliner. (Pirates of the Carribean RULES!)

"Why are you here?" Ichigo arched an eyebrow. "You aren't in an anime!"

"Laddie, anime characters aren't the only ones with fans..." Jack smirked.

"Hey, didn't that crazy ninja say you died?" Renji pointed at Naruto.

"Nah!" Naruto shook his head. "The fangirls got me, but I did my Sexy Jutsu and turned into a chick. They got mad a let me go... although one of them got so mad she bit me... See?" Naruto held up a bandaged hand.

"Okaaaaay, whatever..." Renji honestly didn't care.

"Who's SUV was that?" Alucard pointed out the window at the car that was being torn apart by the now P.O.ed fangirls.

"We jacked it!" Naruto grinned.

"You stole somebody's car?" Ichigo stared at them.

"_Pirate_..." Jack Sparrow flashed a sly smile.

"But who's car was it?" Alucard asked.

"We dunno..." Ed shrugged. "Its not like it matters... I mean, what, is he going to come after us?"

Silent Hill

Meanwhile, in Silent Hill, Pyramid Head was finishing up his shopping. Dressed in his usual bloody apron, large metallic pyramid helmet, and holding a 9-foot long sword in one hand and a bag of groceries in the other, he walked calmly out of the grocery store. But he dropped his bag of groceries and stared in horror once he got ouside and discovered his lime-green SUV missing. "Oh no, they did NOT steal my _baby_..." he growled. "SOMEBODY IS GONNA GET **RAPED**!!!" he yelled, brandishing his sword and running off in some random direction.

* * *

Rot In Peace, Gaara... 

I never said the rescue mission would work, now did I?

Since Survivors don't normally survive for long, I'll be tossing in replacements every few chapters. I hope you like the new add-ins...

Pyramid Head owns. I love Silent Hill, and I just felt like giving him a cameo.

Guest Authors, I hope you like your portrayels. If I did anything wrong, let me know...

REVIEW, PLEASE!!!!!

And here's the disclaimer, since I didn't want to put it at the beginning and ruin the suprises.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, Hellsing, Bleach, FMA, Silent Hill, Pirates of the Carribean, or any other anime, game, or movie. All guest author personas are propery of their respective Authors. I OWN NOTHING, SO PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!!!


	4. Chapter 4

Wow, this story is a hit! I'm glad everybody loves it!

* * *

Outside

"Hmmmm..." TK3997 was deep in thought as he sat at a table inside a tent. "Anybody got a plan?"

"Let them fight there way out?" EternallyJinxed raised her hand timidly.

"Go in and save them?" Darthjag shrugged.

"Steal everything we can and load it onto my drunk chokobo Gregory?" one Author suggested. Everyone looked at him in confusion. "Oh... right... I'm Cab329..." he waved.

"Oh, right... yeah..." everyone nodded and shrugged.

"Save the book?" another Author suggested.

"And you are?" TK3997 arched an eyebrow.

"Some bored guy..." the Author shrugged.

"Lets go in and save them..." said a twitchy Authoress. "And then take them away... to a safe place... alone..." she smiled.

"Okay, who are you, and where do all of these people keep popping up from?" Darthjag cocked his head to the side.

"Creative Tendancies..." she replied with a twitch. "And I know where they come from! You know what happens when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, right?"

"Riiiiiight..." Darthjag nodded slowly. "Nevermind..."

"I don't care what we do..." another Authoress shrugged. "As long as we get Jack Sparrow out safely..." Before Darthjag could ask, she stated her name. "10Join-Fei."

"Okay screw it, lets napalm the whole dang place..." TK3997 sighed. "Or maybe a 10 kilo-ton airstrike... Better yet, a 50 kilo-ton airstrike! But why stop there?! What about a 100 mega-ton airstrike?! Or 500?!"

"Seriously, who made him our leader?" Darthjag whispered. The other Authors could only shrug.

Inside, Downstairs

"So now what?" Ichigo sighed.

"We wait to die..." Alucard commented darkly.

"Well aren't you Mr. Happy Happy Sunshine?" Naruto frowned.

"I'll Happy Happy Sunshine your head off if you say another word..." Alucard growled, aiming his guns at Naruto. Naruto gulped nervously, but stayed quiet.

"Hm..." Ed looked out of a window and scanned the crowd of fangirls outside. "There's so many of them. I don't see a way out...

_**CRASH!!!!**_

"SWEET MERCY!!!" Ed screamed as the fangirls reached through the window, grabbed him, and yanked him outside.

"Did you see that!" Pip pointed at the window with a shaking finger as Ed's screams echoed into the night. "They just grabbed him! Just like that!"

"Yes, we saw..." Captain Jack rolled his eyes. "We all have eyes. Oh... wait..." he frowned, realizing who he was talking to. "Sorry..."

"HELP MEEEE!!!" Ed continued to howl in terror. "SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!!!"

The sounds of clothing being torn filled the air. One fangirl screamed about getting his sleeve. Another exclaimed that she'd gotten his glove. The sound of metal being bent was heard, followed by a fangirl yelling that she'd gotten his arm. Soon Ed's screams were drowned out by the fangirls'. Ichigo and Renji quickly grabbed another piece of furniture and pushed it against the window.

"Does the person who owns this place collect china cabinets?" Naruto stared the many pieces of furniture strewn about the room.

"Nothing makes sense anymore!" Renji screamed.

**_BEEP BEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!_**

Out of nowhere, a neon-pink van suddenly crashed through the front door and came to rest half-way into the cabin. Of course, the back of the van was still outside, blocking the entrance. "WHAT THE CRAP!?" Renji screamed, his sanity failing him.

"YO!!!" the front doors flew open, and two guys stepped out. One had long blonde hair, glasses, and was wearing a neat white suit. The other was wearing a blue jacket and pants, a beanie with a funny symbol on the front, and he had dark hair and lots of piercings.

"Who are you guys?" Naruto pointed at them in confusion.

"WE IS THE VALENTINE BROTHERS!!!" the pierced one exclaimed, striking a "tough-guy" pose.

"I'm Luke, and this is Jan..." the blonde one pointed out.

"Pronounced "Yan," too..." Jan added.

"Hello..." Alucard grinned.

"Oh crap..." Luke paled.

"You know this fool, bro?" Jan arched a pierced eyebrow.

"I ate him..." Alucard grinned.

"I won't ask questions..." Renji sighed.

"PUSH!!!" several fangirls suddenly screamed in unison from outside. "PUSH!!!" The van suddenly learched forward out of the whole it had made, and fangirls poured into the room.

"OH SNAP!!!" Naruto screamed. "EVERYBODY UPSTAIRS!!!"

And so, the Survivors raced upstairs as fast as they could and slammed the door shut behind them. "Phew..." Pip sighed. "I think we all made it..."

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!" a loud scream came from the other side of the door.

"Give or take a person..." Pip shrugged. "Okay, who bought the farm?"

"We don't even know who owns it..." Naruto shrugged.

"He means who died..." Alucard sighed at the boy's stupidity.

"Oh... uh... the guy with the spikey orange hair isn't here..." Naruto looked around.

"Ichigo? HAH!!! Now that he's gone, Rukia will be mine!" Renji exclaimed, holding his arms up in triumph.

"The blonde guy in the funny suit is gone, too..." Jack Sparrow pointed out.

"NOOOOO, BROOOOOO!!!!!!" Jan fell to his knees, sobbing over the loss of his brother. He then stopped crying as soon as he'd started and sat up. "Okay, I'm over it..."

"Wait, what happened to the ninjas and Mr. Nazi?" Alucard suddenly remembered the people in the basement.

Basement

"I vonder vat all zat noise is..." Schrodinger mused as he walked up the stairs.

"I wouldn't open that door..." Sasuke tried to warn him, but the catboy didn't hear him.

The moment Schrodinger opened the door, fangirls poored in. "AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" he screamed as they clawed at him, trying to grab onto him and pull him out of the basement. Suddenly, the fangirls grabbing at him burst into flames. They screamed in agony and then faded to ash, and Schrodinger let out a sigh. "Thank God, the cavlary has arrived!"

"Cavalry?" a voice laughed. "No, I'm Fomi, and I want you all to myself!" And with that, a fangirl holding a flamethrower reached through the doorway, grabbed Schrodinger, and then yanked him upstairs and slammed the door shut.

Dead silence followed.

"Well, that was wierd..." Sasuke sighed. "Wouldn't you agree, Kakashi? ... Kakashi? Kakashi-sensei?" he turned around to see what his teacher was doing. "Woah... Um.. Kakashi... What's all that?"

Kakashi was standing next to the toolbox with a chainsaw in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He looked at the two weapons, then at Sasuke, and replied with one simple word: "Groovy..."

* * *

Okay, I'm going to stop this chapter here. It seems like a nice stopping point...

Next chapter: Cries for help go unheard... or do they?

Review, please! Suggestions and requests never get old! As long as I can keep up with them all...


	5. Chapter 5

I'm having so much fun writing this story... I had no idea it would end up being this awsome! In fact, due to its success, you can expect a sequal a few weeks once it is finished!

Oh, and I'd also like to thank all of the Guest Authors for being so cool and letting me toy with them. DANCE MY PUPPETS, DANCE!!!

* * *

Upstairs

"C'mon, c'mon..." Alucard was tapping his foot impatiently on the floor while he waited for somebody to answer. He was holding the SUPER SUPER-BAD MOJAMA HOTLINE phone, and although he wouldn't never admit it, he was praying somebody would answer the phone.

"Who are you calling?" Jack Sparrow noticed what he was doing. Jack, Naruto, and Pip were all pushing against the door to the downstairs, which in turn all of the fangirls were trying to push open. Meanwhile, Renji and Jan were looking for something to push against the door... Actually, they were just letting the other guys do all the work since they were too lazy to look.

"An old friend..." Alucard frowned.

"Hopefully, he will know a way to save us..." Itachi commented.

"Pfft, like anybody can save us!" Jan fell to his knees in desperation. "We're screwed man! Screwed!" he screamed, punching the ground and sobbing uncontrallably. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! GAME OVER, MAN!!! GAME OVER!!!"

"Pull yourself together, laddie!" Jack suddenly rushed over and yanked him up off the ground. "NOBODY IS GOING TO DIE!!! OKAY?!"

"But my brother..." Jan whimpered.

"YOUR BROTHER IS IN A BETTER PLACE NOW!!!" Jack screamed.

"Heaven?" Jan sniffed, a twinkle appearing in his eyes as he gained a glimmer of hope for his brother's eternal soul.

"No!" Jack replied bluntly, which made Jan explode into a new fit of crying. "He's being torn to pieces by beautiful women who want to do lovely things to him! Lovely, lovely things!"

"Say what?" Pip suddenly realized what he was running from. "Screw hiding!" he exclaimed. He took his weight off the door, allowing it to open slightly.

"NO, YOU FOOL!!!" Jack screamed, but it was too late. Several hands reached in through the opening, and grabbed Pip. He smirked and waved at everyone, and then in the blink of an eye he was gone. Jack dove for the door and smashed against it, slamming it back shut before it could open any further. "COWARDLY FRENCHY!!!" Jack screamed as Pip's screams of French nonsense boomed from the other side of the door.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, MAN?!" Jan fell to his knees once again. "GAME OVER, MAN!!! GAME OVER!!!"

"THANK YOU, JESUS!!!" Alucard suddenly exclaimed.

"Huh?" everyone suddenly turned to see why Count Trigger-happy was thanking the King of Kings.

"Hello?" a voice came from the phone Alucard was holding.

"Is Agent HUNK there?" Alucard asked.

"Agent HUNK?" Itachi jumped slightly, while everyone else stared at Alucard in confusion.

"No, this is his friend Dr. Insane-O... may I ask who's calling?" the person on the other end of the line replied. "Are you a telemarketer?" he added suspiciously.

"No, I'm not a telemarketer. I'm Alucard..." he answered. "From Hellsing..."

"Oh yeah, Count Trigger-happy!" Dr. Insane-O exclaimed. "Yeah, I remember you... but uh, sorry. Agent HUNK isn't in right now..."

"But we need him to come help us!" Alucard growled.

"Well, I'm sorry, but I don't know where he is! Ergo, he can't save ya!" Dr. Insane-O replied impatiently.

"Well then can you help us?!" Alucard was getting a bit angry now.

"I'm too lazy..." was his answer. "But I do know somebody else who can help..."

"Who?" Alucard arched an eyebrow.

"I don't remember his name..." Dr. Insane-O responded. "But I do know he's a werewolf..."

"Oh, joy..." Alucard groaned.

"Bye!" Dr. Insane-O suddenly hung up.

Dead silence followed. Finally, Jack Sparrow broke it with a silly question. "So... who's got some rum?"

Outside

"Ground crew to bomber crew..." TK3997 was talking into his walkie-talkie while Darthjag sat behind him with a 'I-hate-you-and-I-hope-you-die' expression on his face. "Where's that air strike I ordered? This ain't the time to be takin' your dear sweet time, boys..."

"Sorry, boss..." came the answer. "But we've got other things to take care of..."

"What?!" TK3997 exclaimed in shock. "Are you disobeying my orders?! Why, you no good... wait, who are you again?"

"I'm Joey, the pilot!" said one person on the other end.

"I'm Jpalacio, the bombineer..." another voice added grimly.

"And I'm Fenrir Wolfsbane!" exclaimed a third person. "Thier cargo and the Survivors last hope!"

"Last hope my big stinky toenail!" TK3997 yelled.

"Are you sane?" Darthjag asked, but he was ignored.

"Turn that bird around ASAP! I'm going to court martial you all! Then I'll- huh?" TK3997 suddenly started to shake the walkie-talkie, which was now full of static. "They hung up on me!"

"And that's a suprise to you?" Darthjag rolled his eyes.

Up in the Sky

"Hah hah hah..." Joey cackled from the cockpit of the large bomber soaring through the skies over the woods, fangirls, and cabin. "I hung up on him! I bet he's so mad right now..."

"Must... resist... urge... to drop... ballistic missile..." Jpalacio was sitting in the seat next to him, his eyes focused on a large red button on the control panel.

"So how much longer do I have to ride in here?" asked the third person in the plane. He was wearing a green uniform, bullet proof vest, and a Hellsing badge on his sleeve. He had a smug look on his face, long brown hair in a pony tail, and piercing yellow eyes. He was none other than Fenrir Wolfsbane, an OC created by the Author Agent HUNK long ago, loved by fans and readers despite being a total idiot.

"This is your stop, actually..." Joey smirked.

"Huh?" Fenrir cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"BOMBS AWAY!!!" Jpalacio pulled a level, and a trap door opened beneath Fenrir's feet.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" he screamed as he fell out of the plane. Joey and Jpalacio laughed like maniacs as he dropped like a rock.

"Dude, wait..." Joey suddenly stoped laughing. "He didn't have a parachute..."

"So?" Jpalacio shrugged. "He's a werewolf! He can survive gunshot wounds to the face and keep walking like nothing happened!"

"So he can survive a 3,000 foot drop?" Joey arched an eyebrow.

"Probably not..." Jpalacio chuckled. "But who cares? Its not like he was their last hope for survival..."

Dead silence.

"Crap..." both men groaned.

* * *

Bye, Pip...

Next chapter: Fenrir drops in to say hi, and Kakashi goes "Evil Dead" on fangirls and survivor alike.

REVIEW, PLEASE!!!


	6. Chapter 6

So many opportunities! But I'll probably wrap this up in about 2-3 chapters. I need to get back to work on my other fics, as this has taken up all of my time and concentration. But don't worry, there shall be a sequal...

* * *

Outside

"Ow..." Fenrir sat up groggily, rubbing his sore head. He'd landed on the semi-soft and yet incredibly hard ground skull first, and boy did he have a headache. "Well, that could have gone worse..." he grumbled. As his vision came back into focus, he realized that he was surrounded by thousands of fangirls, all of whom were staring at him. "Oh... wait... I guess it did..."

A fangirl standing near him sniffed the air. "Hm... I smell a werewolf..."

"A werewolf?!" Instantly, all of the fangirls began to look around in desperation to find the Lycanthrope. "Werewolves are so KAWAI!!! I love their little puppy ears! I want to rub his tummy!"

"Uh oh..." Fenrir paled slightly. He slowly began to crawl towards the cabin, but the moment he began to move they all realized that he was there.

"OH MY GOSH, IS THAT THE CAPTAIN!?" one fangirl screamed, pointing accusingly at him.

"Captain? As in Hellsing?!" Fenrir looked around in terror. Of all the anime characters who had to be a werewolf, why did it have to be the tall, silent, handsome guy fangirls always fall for?

"CAPTAIN!!!" several fangirls dove for Fenrir, who ducked and rolled out of the way.

"I'M NOT THE CAPTAIN!!!" he screamed in terror and frustration at the fact that nobody knew who he was. "I'M FENRIR WOLFSBANE!!!"

Dead silence. And then chaos. "FENRIR!!!" several more fangirls screamed. Now he had to worry about the Captain's fangirls, and his own, which he had no idea he had. "WE LOVE YOU CAPTAIN/FENRIR!!!" they all screamed.

"HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Fenrir screamed, running for his life in the direction he hoped the cabin was in. But trapped amongst the sea of fangirls, there was no way for him to know which way led to safety, and which way led to Hell.

Inside, Downstairs

The fangirls were trying to think of a way to get upstairs, when out of nowhere the door to the basement flew open. They all turned in confusion and discovered Kakashi standing in the doorway, a sawn-off double-barrel shotgun in his left hand and a chainsaw in his right. "HAIL TO THE KING, BABY!!!" Kakashi struck a hero pose, and then blew the head off of the nearest fangirl before they could react. Instantly, the room exploded into chaos as fangirls dove for Kakashi and Kakashi embarked on a journey into the very depths of gore-filled insanity.

Inside, Upstairs

"What's all that noise?" Alucard cocked his head to the side as he heard the sound of chainsaw coming from downstairs. He, Jack, and Renji went over to the door and opened it up slightly, just enough to peek downstairs. They all gasped and stared at what they saw. "OH MY GOSH, ISN'T THAT THE NINJA?!" Renji screamed in shock.

"BLIMEY!!! HE JUST BLEW HER BLOODY HEAD OFF!!! AND HERS, TOO!!! AND HERS!!!" Jack exclaimed as several shotgun blasts boomed beneath them.

"Ninja?" Naruto crept over to the door and managed to squeeze between the other three men and sneak a peek himself. "KAKASHI-SENSEI?!"

"I've seen some brutal things in my life, but that..." Alucard shook his head slowly with a look of morbid fascination smeared across his face. "That... is just WRONG!!!"

"RETREAT!!!" several fangirls began to scream. But a few shotgun blasts later, there was no more screaming. Only the sounds of a running chainsaw and a shotgun being reloaded.

"Yo, what did I miss?" Jan swaggered over to the door and peeked through as well. "SWEET GRACIOUS!!! SO MUCH DEATH!!! ITS... ITS..."

"Groovy?" Kakashi stuck his head up against the crack in the door.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!!!" Naruto threw the door open and hugged Kakashi.

"AH, HE'S INFECTED!!!" Jack screamed, drawing his sword in terror. However, Renji and Jan held him back before he could decapitate Naruto.

"No, I'm just happy to see my sensei!" Naruto exclaimed happily. Of course, nobody noticed the dull red glow developing in his eyes.

Outside

The Rescue Team wasn't getting very far into their mission. Two new Authors had joined, Serenity Sugar and Revan, but all they and the other Authors were doing was sitting around, reading manga, eating pizza, and throwing rocks at random fangirls. Meanwhile, TK3997 and Darthjag were up to their usual tricks.

"Status report!" TK3997 barked. He had changed out of the green camo and stuff that he'd had on earlier, and was now wearing a suit of red armor from the game Halo. He was also clutching a shotgun in one hand and his trusty walkie-talkie in the other.

"Um..." Darthjag looked down at a clipboard he'd somehow procured. He was now wearing an awsome green and black checkered suit and beige fedora hat, sunglasses, and Zabuza-ish bandages all over his face. (See his profile for better description and pic...) "Joe of the Furlongs and Jpalacio dropped Fenrir Wolfsbane into the mass of fangirls, Kakashi went "Evil Dead" on everything even remotely fangirl-ish, and we're almost out of pizza..."

"NOT THE PIZZA!!!" TK3997 screamed. "We need subsistance in order to slay the fangirl menace without rest!"

"Okay, seriously, who made you the leader?" Darthjag sighed.

"I took the Kenpachi Zaraki route..." TK3997 shrugged.

"The guy from Bleach, you mean? How so?" Darthjag was somewhat afraid to hear the answer to his own question.

"I shot the real leader in the face..." TK3997 replied. He then reached behind his back, and then held his arms back out. Clutched in his hand was a skull with several small holes in the forehead, most likely caused by buckshot, and the word "EX-LEADER" scribbled on the top of it with a black sharpie. "See? I'm a good shot, and I've got some awsome caligraphy skills!"

"Oh sweet merciful gracious..." Darthjag was slowly backing away. "Um... I'm going to... go... and... uh... get-"

"You're going to stay right here and be a good little soldier boy, unless told otherwise. GOT IT!?" TK3997 snarled, shoving his shotgun into Darthjag's face.

"SIR, YES SIR!!!" Darthjag saluted nervously.

"Such a good little meat-puppet..." TK3997 chuckled. "Now, about that airstrike I wanted..." he returned his attention to his previous engagements. He picked up his walkie-talkie, which he'd dropped in order to grab the skull, and tuned it into the bomber's frequency. "Joey! Jpalacio! Come in, bomber boys! We need some napalm, and we need it now!"

His reply came in the form of static and white noise. "I think its broke, sir..." Darthjag commented quietly.

"Nonsense!" TK3997 replied stoutly, shaking the walkie-talkie violently. "Listen! The static is getting louder!"

Sure enough, the static was getting louder. And so was the white noise. At first, only a few words could be heard every now and then. But as the static grew louder, the voices could be heard more clearly. "Help... me... Silent... get out... demons... FIESTA GRANDE!!!... help...no... escape... death..." dull and faded voices faded in and out of the frequency.

"Um... sir..." Darthjag slowly took a few steps back.

"Yeah, I guess you're right... It is broke..." TK3997 sighed as he threw the walkie-talkie over his shoulder.

_**Clang.**_

"Huh?" TK3997 turned around to see what the walkie-talkie had hit. "Oh, dear..."

"That's what I tried to tell you about, sir..." Darthjag gulped nervously.

Standing over the two men was none other than Pyramid Head. He had his Great Blade in one hand, and a GPS tracker in the other hand. Judging from the way he was standing and the way his chest heaved as he breathed heavily, he was obviously P.O.ed beyond the limits of human imagination. And apparently getting hit in the head with a walkie-talkie had not helped his mood. "WHO. STOLE. MY. CAR?" he growled.

"Boy, you're a big fella! They must know what to feed you boys where you come from!" TK3997 stared up at the towering monstrosity.

"WAS IT YOU?" Pyramid Head growled.

"What type of car was it?" Darthjag interjected.

"A NEON-GREEN SUV. IT... ITS MY BABY... AND I WANT IT BACK..." A hint of sadness could be detected in Pyramid Head's voice.

"It went that way..." Darthjag pointed at the cabin.

"THANKS..." Pyramid Head nodded and then walked off in the direction of the cabin.

"Phew..." TK3997 exhaled a sigh of relief. "Thanks, soldier! If you hadn't stepped in, he probably would have killed me!"

Darthjag stared at TK3997 for a moment. He then fell to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably. "WHY?! WHY DID I HAVE TO ASK?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

"Because you're the best soldier any commanding officer could ask for..." TK3997 sniffed, his heart touched by his soldier's bravery and devotion. "Other than Solid Snake or somebody actually usefull..."

"I hate you..." Darthjag grumbled. "So very freaking much..."

* * *

Pyramid Head has come to party! Oh yeah! Will the Survivors get raped by Pyramid Head? Or the fangirls? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!

Review, please!


	7. Chapter 7

Hm... Good news and bad news... Good news: I've broken my Bleach and Hellsing writers block. Bad news: It has now infected my Naruto story writing skills.

Writers Block sucks.

* * *

Inside, Upstairs

"Stupid fools..." Itachi grumbled to himself as he closed the door behind him. He'd decided to hide in the other bedroom, since Gaara's corpse and a fangirl had already occupied the other. He smirked when he noticed a closet in the corner of the room. "Nobody will bother me in there..."

Itachi opened the closet door, expecting clothes or something to be in there. Maybe a fangirl, but not likely. But he was NOT expecting what he actually found. "Wassup?" said the person huddled in the back of the closet.

"Who are you?" Itachi stared at the man.

The guy in closet looked like a S.W.A.T. Team reject. He was wearing a black uniform, elbow and knee pads, a bullet proof vest, a gas mask, and... a bucket hat? Yes, for some reason the only non-army item in the man's outfit was a white bucket hat. "I'm Agent HUNK," the man waved. Sure enough, it was Agent HUNK, the famous (yeah right), beloved (surrrre...), and totally awsome (cough cough ego) Author.

"Agent HUNK?" Itachi arched an eyebrow. "Aren't you the man they were talking about earlier? What are you doing in here? And what's on your head?"

"Yes, hiding, and a bucket hat," the Author replied.

"Hm... I see..." Itachi nodded slowly. "Well, do you have any ideas on how to escape from these fangirls?"

"As a matter of fact..." Agent HUNK replied slyly as he tipped his bucket hat forward, casting an ominous shadow over his red goggles.

Outside

Without warning, a window on the second floor of the cabin shattered. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" Itachi screamed as he soared through the glass and plummeted into the waiting mass of screaming fangirls. "WWWWWWWHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????!!!!?!?!?!?"

"Throwing people to the horde tends to keep zombies- and fangirls- occupied long enough for other survivors to escape..." Agent HUNK mused as he peered out of the window and watched Itachi get glomped. "Hm... well... back to the closet..."

"We lost another one..." TK3997 sighed sadly as he listenend to and watched Itachi die.

"Who was that guy in the window?" Darthjag pointed at the shadowy figure walking away from the window.

"Beats me..." TK3997. "I'm more concerned with the fact that the pizza I ordered isn't here yet!"

"Yo!" a woman suddenly ran up carrying several pizzas. Her nametag said "Lechar-Light" and she had a huge smile on her face. Almost a fnagirl-ish smile...

"PIZZA!!!" TK3997 grabbed the pizzas out of her hands. "Darthjag, pay this fine young woman!"

"But I..." Darthjag's voice trailed off. "Okay..." he sighed, handing her his wallet. "I don't know how much is in there, but I'm sure it won't cover all of this..."

Meanwhile, Fenrir was fighting for his life amongst the endless waves of fangirls. "GET AWAY!!!" he screamed, batting away the grasping hands of several fangirls. "GET AWAY, I SAY!!!"

"YOU!!!" Out of nowhere, Pyramid Head grabbed Fenrir by the throat and picked him up off the ground. "DID YOU STEAL MY BABY?!"

"Your what?!" Fenrir stared in horror at the monster. "AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! PYRAMID HEAD!!!!! DON'T RAPE MEEEE!!!"

"I'm not going to rape you..." Pyramid Head replied calmly. He then threw Fenrir over his shoulder and into a crowd of fangirls. "They might, though..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Fenrir screamed as the fanirls swarmed around him. "Oh well, at least it isn't Pyramid Head..." he sighed sadly as the sheer number of fangirls eclisped the light of the world from his sight.

"Now then, off to find my- huh?" Pyramid Head looked down. Wrapped around his leg was an Author. 10Join-Fei looked up at Pyramid Head with a huge grin.

"You might not be Jack Sparrow, but you're good enough for me!" she smiled.

"..." Pyramid Head stared at the fangirl/Author. He then shrugged and shook her off of his leg. "Well, that was odd. I didn't know I had fangirls... Oh well, I'm sure she's the only one..." About 3 seconds later, he was burried under a huge pile of fangirls. "I stand corrected..." he grumbled from beneath the pile.

Inside, Downstairs

Kakashi, Sasuke, Naruto, Alucard, Renji, Jan, and Jack Sparrow were sitting around, trying to think of another way to escape. They'd pushed some random furniture against all of the entrances and exits, so they assumed they were safe. But... they were wrong...

"Um, Naruto?" Kakashi, who was back to his normal self, looked down at Naruto. "Why are you still hugging me?"

"I missed you..." Naruto shrugged.

"But you can let go now..." Kakashi informed him.

"But I don't want to..." Naruto shrugged.

**_Click-clack._**

"He's infected..." Alucard growled, aiming his biggest and most powerful pistol, the Jackel, at Naruto's face. "We should kill him before he turns..."

Dead silence.

"What are you waiting for?" Renji arched an eyebrow.

"Huh?" Alucard looked at him oddly.

"Blow his bloody head off! Paint the wall with his brains! SHOOT THE LITTLE BUGGAR!!!" Jack yelled groggily. Clearly, he'd found some rum. "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!"

"I thought you'd try to convince me not to shoot him or something..." Alucard scratched the back of his head in confusion.

"No, just waste him..." Jan shrugged.

"TOO LATE!!!" Naruto suddenly jumped to his feet and began to laugh insanely. A sudden cloud of smoke puffed up around him, and when it faded away Naruto had turned into his Sexy Jutsu form. He looked like an young woman, with long blonde hair, a revealing swimsuit, and very... er... _obvious _characteristics. "KAKASHI-SENSEI!!!" she squeeled, diving for her sensei.

"NARUTO, NOOOOOO!!!" Kakashi screamed as his student soared through the air at him. "THIS IS WRONG ON FAR TOO MANY LEVELS!!!"

**_KERBLAMMMM!!!!!!_**

**_Thud._**

"What, did you think I'd let it get you?" Alucard smirked as Naruto's headless corpse hit the floor in front of Kakashi.

"Poor Naruto..." Kakashi sighed.

"Meh, who cares?" Jan shrugged.

"SURELY NOT I, THAT IS FOR SURE!!!" Jack exclaimed wildly, raising his hands into the air.

Awkward silence.

"Was that a double negative?" Alucard cocked his head to the side.

"I don't know, really..." Jack scratched his chin. "More like a double possitive..."

"Does that make it a negative?" Jan arched an eyebrow.

"Wow, we're boring when people aren't trying to glomp, kill, and/or rape us..." Sasuke sighed sadly.

* * *

Itachi is dead. Fenrir might be dead. Pyramid Head will require a lot more than that, for sure. And Naruto... yeah, he's dead. He got his friggin' head blown off, after all...

Okay, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can fit in many more requests. I'm already unable to put a few in without having to go out of my way... So if you make a request, keep in mind that it will only show up now if I find an easy way to put you in. Sorry, but I think the number of Guest Authors in this fic is reaching its limit.

Review, please!


	8. Chapter 8

Hmmm. The last chapter should be up a few hours after this one. Than you for reading the story so far! I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!

* * *

Outside

"That. Is. E. NOUGH!!!" Pyramid Head suddenly snarled, throwing the mound of fangirls off of himself and grabbing his sword up off the ground. "THE NEXT PERSON WHO TOUCHES ME IS EITHER GOING TO GET IMAPLED THROUGH THE FACE OR RAPED INTO OBLIVION!!!"

Dead silence followed. And then several fangirls raised their hands.

"We're up for the latter..." they all grinned, slowly advancing towards the demon.

"Oh wow, this is creeping _me_ out..." Pyramid Head muttered.

Meanwhile, Darthjag and TK3997 had come to a startling realization. "SIR!!!" Darthjag suddenly jumped to his feet. "I just realized something startling!"

"What would that be, soldier? Grr... Stupid pizza!" TK3997 growled as he tried to feed himself a slice of pizza. His helmet kept getting in the way, so the most he was accomplishing was smooshing the pizza and getting cheese and sauce on his visor.

"We've got more Authors than there are fangirls now!" Darthjag exclaimed. "We outnumber them 3 to 1! Or is it 1 to 3? I dunno, it doesn't make much difference..." he shrugged.

"WELL IN THAT CASE-" TK3997 jumped to his feet and grabbed his shotgun off the ground, "-LET ATTACK!!! CHEAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGE!!!!!" And with that, he ran off to face his enemies on the fields of combat. Unfortunately, he couldn't see through the pizza sauce.

"Sir... You're going the wrong way..." Darthjag sighed.

Inside, Downstairs

Time was running out for the survivors. They (Kakashi, Sasuke, Renji, Jack, and Jan) were all gathered in the dinning room and were sitting at the table, except for Alucard, who was standing in the doorway in deep thought. The room was lit only by a kerosean lamp, and its oil was running low. As the flame flickered and shadows danced upon the walls, the remaining men pondered their lives and their coming demises. "Hmph..." Alucard suddenly straightened himself up and cocked his head from side to side, which resulted in several popping sounds. "I see how it shall be, then..."

"Huh?" Sasuke shot him a funny look.

"What are you talking about?" Renji asked.

"Gentlemen, I've enjoyed your company and you comrade-ship. But..." Alucard frowned, "It is time for us to end this."

"I'd rather keep it going, myself..." Jan muttered. "Living is a rather nice thing to continue, you know..."

"Our options have run out. We've seen our friends and comrades perish before our very eyes. Are you to continue running like cowards?" Alucard narrowed his eyes. "Or die like men?"

"What if we die like a woman?" Jack suddenly asked. Everyone stared at him. "What? I'm just askin'..."

"Ahem, anyway..." Alucard continued. "The time has come for us to face our fears and make one last endevour for freedom. I suggest that we go outside and fight our way out of this nightmare. If we can just ge taway from here, we can escape. I'm sure every fangirl on earth is gathered outside. Or at least all of our fangirls..."

"I see..." Renji nodded. "So you're suggesting a suicide mission?"

"No, there's a tiny chance we might live..." Alucard grinned. "So, who's with me, then?"

"I am..." Kakashi grunted, holding up his blood-stained chainsaw.

"Me, too..." Renji drew his sword. "I'm sure Zabimaru is hungry for the blood of a worthy adversary..."

"Who?" Jack arched a drunken eyebrow.

"My Zanpakto..." Renji frowned.

"Your what?" Jack asked in bewilderment.

"My sword!" Renji growled.

"Oh, right..." Jack nodded. He then drew his sword and pistol and held them up in the air. "I'm in it, as well!"

"Count me in!" Jan smiled, drawing a pair of rather large machine guns from behind his back.

"Where did you... nevermind..." Kakashi shook his head, deciding it was better not to know.

"I'd be in it if I had a weapon..." Sasuke grumbled.

"Here..." Alucard pulled a sword and a helmet from inside his coat. "I found these earlier..."

"This doesn't bode well..." Sasuke muttered as he surveyed the helmet. It looked a Spartan warrior's helm. "In fact, its kind of ominous..."

"Are you prepared to fight to live, or die trying?" Alucard grinned, drawing his two pistols and looked towards the front door.

"Do we get a last meal?" Jack suddenly asked.

"Why yes, we do. Because..." Sasuke grinned as he put on the helmet. "TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELLLLLL!!!!!"

Dead silence.

"That was lame..." Jan smirked.

"Seriously..." Jack shook his head.

"Screw you..." Sasuke frowned.

"FOR HONOR!!!" Renji suddenly held his sword up in the air.

"FOR VALOR!!!" Kakashi held up his chainsaw.

"FOR EXISTANCE!!!" Alucard raised his guns.

"FOR NOT DYING!!!" Jan hoisted his machine guns up above his head.

"FOR RUM!!!" Jack swung his sword drunkenly.

"FOR SPARTAAAAA!!!!!" Sasuke yelled.

Dead silence.

"Don't even try..." Alucard shook his head.

"FOR HYYYAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

"Huh?" everyone turned to see who was screaming now.

Into the room ran a man dressed like a Knight Templar. He was wearing a suit of knight's armor and a full-faced helmet. Over the armor he had on a white cloak, which had a red cross painted on the front of it. In his left hand he held a white shield with a red cross embrazzened upon it, and in his right hand he held a double-barrel shotgun. "COME ON THEN, LET GO!!! CHEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!" And with that, he dove out of the nearest window.

An awkward silence in the room followed while several shotgun blasts boomed outside.

"Um... who was that?" Sasuke finally asked.

"Agent HUNK..." Alucard sighed.

"Are you sure?" Sasuke arched an eyebrow.

"It was an Author with a shotgun, funny clothes, and he had the stench of death and tacos around him..." Alucard grumbled. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Oh... Okay..." Sasuke nodded slowly.

"Right, well..." Kakashi coughed. "See you on the other side!" And with that, he dove out the window Agent HUNK had just exited through.

"Wait for me!" Jan jumped out after him.

"Fight for yer lives, me harties..." Jack swaggered over to the window and slowly crawled out of it. "Yo ho..."

"Save some for me!" Renji raced to the window as the sounds of battle grew louder.

"Can't let them have all the fun..." Sasuke smirked. But as he started to walk towards the window, Alucard ran up behind him and pistol whipped him in the back of the head.

"There's no way I'm letting a brat like you have ANY chance for survival..." Alucard grumbled as he walked over to the window, leaving Sasuke twitching and unconscious on the floor. "You're too annoying!"

* * *

I don't know if you should bother reviewing since the last chapter will be posted later on tonight...


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry 'bout that. I had some computer problems last night, so I was unable to post the last chapter when I said I would.

Here is is, folks. The last chapter. I hope you've enjoyed reading this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. There will be a sequal written eventually, too. And if anybody feels like writing their own version of this story, go ahead. Just be sure to let me know so I can read it!

Well, I guess that's it. Lets see how this story comes to an end...

* * *

Outside

The Survivor's last attempt at survival had quickly degraded into all-out war. Renji was hacking away at anything that tried to touch him, and since his hair had somehow been let down most of the fangirls were assuming he was one of them. Jack was too drunk to hit anything with his sword, but his drunken blabbering had all of his fangirls too mezmerized to do anything. Jan had gotten glomped and dragged away soon after he came out of the window, due to his long and drawn out insults getting in the way of his actual fighting. Kakashi had stumbled across his book and now he was perched safely on the roof, calmly reading and ignoring the world around him. Alucard was going trigger happy on anything that moved. Unfortunately, Pyramid Head moved, so Alucard soon found himself face-to-face with a towered, blood-drenched, big ol' sword wielding, bizarre-helmed, and P.O.ed demon. "Did you take my baby?" Pyramid Head growled, ignoring the bullet holes in his helmet.

"You're what?" Alucard arched an eyebrow, absent-mindedly blasting fangirls that got too close.

"My lime-green SUV..." Pyramid Head growled.

"Its over there..." Alucard pointed at the dismantled remains of Pyramid Head's ride. "Oh... right..."

"My... baby... its... its..." Pyramid Head sniffed sadly.

"Rightously screwed over, I must say..." Jack interjected as he swaggered by.

"SOMEBODY. IS GOING. TO GET. **RAPED!!!!!!**" Pyramid Head howled.

"I took it!" several different fangirls raised the hands.

"GYAAAAAAAAA SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!" Pyramid Head wildly began to swing his sword. Within seconds, all of the fangirls around him were on the ground, headless and lifeless. "Sheesh, they're annoying..." he grumbled.

"Yes, quite annoying..." Alucard grinned. "Keep doing that. They're so annoying, they ALL deserve to die..."

"No problem..." Pyramid Head growled, raising his sword up into the air. "GYAAAAAAAA!!!!!" he snarled, bringing it down upon the nearest fangirl, who turned out to be Renji.

"WHAT THE CRAP?!" Renji screamed, blocking the blow with his Zanpakto.

"Sorry, thought you were a chick..." Pyramid Head grumbled.

"Do I look like a chick?!" Renji snarled.

"Um..." Pyramid Head studied him for a second. "Um... Oh, look! More fangirls! Sorry, got to go!" Pyramid Head waved as he ran off to kill more fangirls.

"HEY!!!" Renji yelled angrily. "GET BACK HERE!!!"

Meanwhile, Darthjag and TK3997 finally had everything in order. "Are we ready, then?" TK3997 looked around at all of the Authors gathered to fight.

"Yes, sir..." Darthjag nodded.

"Okay, then!" TK3997 held up his shotgun. "CHARGE!!!!!!"

---

And so, the Authors joined into the battle. Even more chaos ensued. The conflict appeared to be leaning in the Survivor's and Author's direction... until the whole place blew up.

"DUDE!!!" Joe of the Furlongs jumped in his seat of the airplane as the world beneath his plane became a massive ball of fire. "WHAT HAPPENED?!"

"I'm sorry..." Jpalacio removed his finger from the big red button. "I couldn't restrain myself anymore..."

"So you dropped a ballistic missile on everyone!?" Joe stared at him in horror.

"Um..." Jpalacio thought for a second. "Yeah, I guess I kinda did..." he smiled innocently.

"Oh... well..." Joe scratched his chin. "Oh well, we weren't getting paid for this, anyway..." he shrugged.

"Wanna listen to some tunes?" Jpalacio asked.

"Sure..." Joe nodded and started flipping through radio channels.

---

And so, everyone died except for Joe and Jpalacio.

Or did they?

---

A Few Weeks Later. Some Random Beach

"I guess we did all we could do..." TK3997 sighed as he calmly as he sat on the sand and soaked up the sun's rays. He took a sip from a bottle of rum and then handed it to the person next to him.

"Even though we didn't really do much..." Darthjag took a sip as well before passing it to the next person.

"Kinda sucks that almost everyone got nuked..." Agent HUNK sighed. "Oh, wait... All of the Author's survived..." He then tried to take a sip from the bottle, but his gas mask got in the way. He shrugged and handed it to the person sitting beside him.

"It would have been nice if you'd decided to help us earlier on..." Kakashi muttered as he took a sip of the rum _through his mask_ before handing the bottle to the next person in line.

"Nah, where's the fun in that?" Alucard smirked wickedly as he took a long sip from the bottle. He then handed it to the next person in line.

"So what happened to the rest of the Authors, anyway?" Renji asked after taking a drink of rum and then handing it to the next person.

"I think they went on a road trip with Pyramid Head. I heard he's got a lime-green _bus_ or something now..." Jack Sparrow pointed out. He then held the bottle up to his lips, only to discover it to be empty. "Why is the rum always gone?" he sighed.

* * *

Why _is_ the rum always gone? Hah hah hah...

Well, I hope you've enjoyed the story as much as I have. Until next time, this is Agent HUNK, signing out...


	10. Credits and Epilogues

Oops, I forgot to write the credits and epilogue!

Also, I'm starting to put together ideas for the sequal! Depending on how well things go, if could be before you know it!

Right, back to the credits and stuff. If I forgot your name or anything, please don't get angry! A lot of people helped out with this story, so its really hard to keep up with everyone!

* * *

_Night of the Living Fangirls_

**Created By:**

Agent HUNK

**Written By:**

Agent HUNK

**Posted By:**

Agent HUNK

**Ideas From:**

Darthjag

Too many others to list

--------------------------------------------

"Why is the rum always gone!?" Jack Sparrow growled as he swaggered down the sandy beach. "Always, always, always! This is the Carribean! There's supposed to be rum and pirates everywhere! I'm the pirate, so where's my rum?!"

"Rum, you say?" a voice asked from beside him. Jack stopped dead in his tracks and looked over to discover what appeared to be a lemonade stand. Only instead of lemonade, it was selling- you guessed it- rum. "I've got plenty of rum..." 10Join-Fei smirked from behind the counter.

-----------------------------------------

**Sources:**

Naruto

Hellsing

Bleach

Fullmetal Alchemist

Pirates of the Caribbean

Silent Hill

Evil Dead

Input by my fellow Authors

-----------------------------------------

"Excuse me, Mr. Darthjag," a member of the hotel staff suddenly walked up to the Author, who was still sitting on the beach, and handed him a phone. "You have a phone call."

"Hello? Yes, this is Darthjag. Huh? What do you mean we're being sued?!" Darthjag screamed into the phone.

"The families of the fangirls you murdered are suing you. That's about all there is to it..." the lawyer on the other side of the line replied.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!" Darthjag screamed, hurling the phone as hard as he could at the ocean.

"Where was all that pent up anger when we were at war, soldier?" TK3997 asked.

"GRAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Darthjag snarled as he tackled the other Author. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"

"Hm..." Agent HUNK stoicly watched the two Authors strangle each other. "I wondered when they would kill each other..."

--------------------------------------

**Special Thanks To:**

Dr. Insane-O

TK3997

Darthjag

10Join-Fei

Fomalhaut

EternallyJinxed

Cathy-the-reader

Cab329

Man I'm like bored and stuff

Karin Uzamaki

Creative Tendancies

Joe of the Furlongs

Jpalacio

Serenity Sugar

Revan

Lechar-Light

And every Author who reviewed but was not featured in the story.

-------------------------------------

Back at the Leaf Village, Kakashi was shocked to discover that he was not the only survivor. Sure enough, Guy Sensei had survived, as well as a few other students and teachers. "So... let me get this straight..." Kakashi stared at Guy. "While I was going Evil Dead with a shotgun on fangirls in a cabin, you were going _Resident Evil_ with a _grenade launcher_ on fangirls in a _mall_?"

"Yep!" Guy smirked. "Anything you can do, I can do better, Kakashi!"

"Whatever..." Kakashi sighed. "At least its over..."

"Or is it?" Agent HUNK suddenly popped up out of nowhere. "DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!!"

"..." Guy and Kakashi stared at the Kevlar-clad Author.

"Right... uh... I'll be going now..." Agent HUNK chuckled nervously as he slowly crept away.

----------------------------------------

**Epilogues:**

Darthjag had to pay 57 bazillion dollars to the families of the murdered fangirls. But he took the TK3997 approach and just nuked them all.

TK3997 started a school for training Authors in Anti-Fangirl operations. It has a 50 percent graduation ratio and a 50 percent mortality rate.

Agent HUNK finished this story. He is now working on the sequal.

10Join-Fei finally got to glomp Jack.

All the remaining Authors went on a road trip with Pyramid Head. They were last seen heading to Silent Hill.

Kakashi wrote a book about his experiences. Currently it is outselling Make-Out Paradise.

Alucard went back to hunting vampires. He still slays the occasional fangirl, though.

Renji was promoted to Captain. He also ended up with Rukia, Byakuya's sister. He also wrote a book, and is now filthy stinkin' rich. Pretty good for a guy I originally intended to kill off...

Jack was last seen buying rum from 10Join-Fei. He will be missed.

Sasuke's fate is unknown. Reports indicate that he either died in the explosion, or is currently being held hostage by Sasuke/Naruto yaoi fangirls. May God have mercy on his soul.

**_THANKS FOR READING!_**

* * *

Copyrights: I own nothing. All anime, video game, book, and movie characters used are property of their respective owners. All Author self-insert characters used are property of their respective Writers. Again, I own nothing. So please don't sue me! 


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